So it's been 2 months

since I've written my last blog...

wow so much yet so little has happened in my life...my last blog said I was going to stop that relationship, or lack thereof a relationship, that I had going on, but uhh that didn't happen

I actually did something I wish I had not and he lost my respect by doing something I wish he hadn't, yet I'm still attached

funny thing is I know he realizes what he's doing to me and I know he cares for me enough to know it hurts me, yet he won't stop...note to self * I really need to stop suppressing this self-control that I have inside of me*

so 5 months? yeah, 5 months...not too long, yet long enough...things are great with him, everything is going great....yet, we still have those same issues

let me answer these questions for you that my friends CONSTANTLY ask me...
"WHY?!?"
"DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO YOURSELF?!"
"YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT!!"
"HE'S NOT WORTH IT!"
etc, etc, etc.

you guys act as if I don't know...but oh I know...
as my cousin likes to put it 'she knows what she's doing, let her make her own "mistakes" '
sadly, that's true....want to know the reason why? and I have FINALLY admitted this to myself..

I am head over heels for this guy...as much as I do not want to admit it, but it's definitely true.
until I get over what we have, which will take God knows how long...another month...6 months...a year?, I can't just let him go, I just can't, he's too significant in my life right now to let him go...

so he tells me he's keeping his options open...okay...so I should too right??
he makes me his option, while I make him my priority...okay Kimia, let's change that...

now believe me, not to sound cocky, but I can get guys...I have guys trying to get at me...but why do I brush them off...CAUSE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE ON MY MIND....

do you understand how hard it is to go on a date with another guy while all I'm thinking is about what you're doing...ya shitty times

and HONESTLY if you didn't want a girlfriend, then don't treat me like one

so here's my conclusion (God help us all)-3 things can happen out of this situation

1) You can do what I've wanted you to do the past 5 months and finally show that you truly care about me

2) Do something horrible to me (like you have done before) and hurt me once again to the point where I'll be heart broken and will have to FORCE myself to get over you, or I'll just move

3) Stay with you until I get fully sick of how you're making me an option and peace out (HA I wish)

most of my friends tell me to keep hope..."he's stuck around this long, don't you think he wants something more?"
want to know my answer???........maybe...maybe not


that is so harsh to say...okay I need to say something to defend him...
HE cares about me...I know he does...I know he truly does
HE knows I am not his friends with benefits, his fuck buddy, his booty call..none of that
HE is honest with me 110% of the time (as much as my friends don't believe it, I do)
HE is there for me, all the time, no questions, no nothing...he's there for me more than some of my girls
and to finish this off...HE is amazing to me, despite everything else that is going on

now do you see why I've fallen for him...and honestly all these reasons should give me hope, but I've realized that whenever I have hope for something, it never comes true...
so why have hope now??





sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I moved to Los Angeles...