Long Overdue

Okay, 
Maybe I should start using this thing more often...if not for people to read, for MYSELF

What has been going on?
Good question...

I am now 23, working Monday through Friday, dealing with school, and trying to regain my sanity.

All of the above, is NOT what I want in my life...but who does?

I posted a status on Facebook recently about talent and God giving me this gift to express, not suppress.  
And I need to get on it!! Singing has always been a passion, and always will be.  If I can sing, why can't I just do that?

Well, now that's the dilemma...but I do have a plan, and I will succeed...sure I have doubts, but who doesn't?

I am also getting into making makeup videos, and pushing myself to do more makeup.  Hey, makeup and singing go together right? Ha...

It is the first of the month, time to adjust some things and PUSH FORWARD!  Time to let go of the past, and go forward with the future.

I would love my friends to support me and subscribe to my youtube page, it is MUCH appreciated...

http://www.youtube.com/zuberous89

Much love and blessings,
Kimia

Overdue Post

wow, I haven't posted in FOREVER...

I actually had to go read my last post to figure out where I had left off haha!!

One of my good friends asked me to post another blog, which made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside...she actually reads this! YAY hahahaha

I write for myself...It's a venting process of mine...just as a write poetry to vent

So I can finally say my life is amazing right now, I love my school, I love my friends, I love dance, and I finally have him by my side for good =]

I was outside one day around 5ish pm...and I looked up at the sky and saw the most beautiful colors that were reflected on the clouds from the sunset...I decided that I am going to take my life day by day, and not focus on my future so much...be present in your life because you will miss the most beautiful things around you

I'm sure you want to know what happened from my last post...well as you can tell from my positivity...everything is great now...I guess when you lose someone, you realize what you lost and most of the time you try to gain it back...he definitely got it back

When you truly care for someone with all your heart, it's so hard to let go...and sometimes it's not worth letting go of something that feels so amazing

he is definitely worth it

I'm going to finish this blog with this...

My goal in life above other things is the pursuit of love...to have love in my life...not just friends and family...but that significant other...I wanted to be loved and to love back...that brings me the most joy in my life; it allows you to feel ways you've never felt before, and I yearn for that

love you all

xoxo

So it's been 2 months

since I've written my last blog...

wow so much yet so little has happened in my life...my last blog said I was going to stop that relationship, or lack thereof a relationship, that I had going on, but uhh that didn't happen

I actually did something I wish I had not and he lost my respect by doing something I wish he hadn't, yet I'm still attached

funny thing is I know he realizes what he's doing to me and I know he cares for me enough to know it hurts me, yet he won't stop...note to self * I really need to stop suppressing this self-control that I have inside of me*

so 5 months? yeah, 5 months...not too long, yet long enough...things are great with him, everything is going great....yet, we still have those same issues

let me answer these questions for you that my friends CONSTANTLY ask me...
"WHY?!?"
"DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO YOURSELF?!"
"YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT!!"
"HE'S NOT WORTH IT!"
etc, etc, etc.

you guys act as if I don't know...but oh I know...
as my cousin likes to put it 'she knows what she's doing, let her make her own "mistakes" '
sadly, that's true....want to know the reason why? and I have FINALLY admitted this to myself..

I am head over heels for this guy...as much as I do not want to admit it, but it's definitely true.
until I get over what we have, which will take God knows how long...another month...6 months...a year?, I can't just let him go, I just can't, he's too significant in my life right now to let him go...

so he tells me he's keeping his options open...okay...so I should too right??
he makes me his option, while I make him my priority...okay Kimia, let's change that...

now believe me, not to sound cocky, but I can get guys...I have guys trying to get at me...but why do I brush them off...CAUSE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE ON MY MIND....

do you understand how hard it is to go on a date with another guy while all I'm thinking is about what you're doing...ya shitty times

and HONESTLY if you didn't want a girlfriend, then don't treat me like one

so here's my conclusion (God help us all)-3 things can happen out of this situation

1) You can do what I've wanted you to do the past 5 months and finally show that you truly care about me

2) Do something horrible to me (like you have done before) and hurt me once again to the point where I'll be heart broken and will have to FORCE myself to get over you, or I'll just move

3) Stay with you until I get fully sick of how you're making me an option and peace out (HA I wish)

most of my friends tell me to keep hope..."he's stuck around this long, don't you think he wants something more?"
want to know my answer???........maybe...maybe not


that is so harsh to say...okay I need to say something to defend him...
HE cares about me...I know he does...I know he truly does
HE knows I am not his friends with benefits, his fuck buddy, his booty call..none of that
HE is honest with me 110% of the time (as much as my friends don't believe it, I do)
HE is there for me, all the time, no questions, no nothing...he's there for me more than some of my girls
and to finish this off...HE is amazing to me, despite everything else that is going on

now do you see why I've fallen for him...and honestly all these reasons should give me hope, but I've realized that whenever I have hope for something, it never comes true...
so why have hope now??





sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I moved to Los Angeles...

I guess I'm done

I guess that's it, yeah?

It was a good two months...no, actually it was a great two months...but how I regret everything

I never regret things in life, no matter what it is I always think there's a reason it happened and I will live and grow from it, but this? naww definitely wasn't something I can learn from

The only thing I can learn from this situation is to not let my guard down for a guy and to realize when a guy says he doesn't want anything serious, you need to realize you will get hurt if you stay with him so leave now..

This is the reason why I think it's a bad decision for me to ever fall in love with a guy...I'm already hurt but this guy who I wasn't even with who played with my emotions and heart, yet if I truly fall in love with someone and something happens, I'll be devastated...

I want to be in love, I really do, but if I do let my guard down will I be toyed with like I was before?

Shame (noun)-"a fact or circumstance bringing disgrace or regret"

shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight

shame on me for thinking I was different

shame on me for looking deep into your eyes

shame on me for wanting something more than what you had to offer

shame on me for thinking you were the one

shame on me for ignoring the obvious signs that this wasn't right

shame on me for thinking you were different than the rest

shame on me for giving you two months of my heart

shame on me for letting you be the wave that took me under

shame on me for allowing you to get the best of me

shame on me for allowing you to make me feel less about myself

shame on me

shame on me

shame on me

shame on YOU for letting me go and not seeing what a GREAT catch you had

An Original from the Heart

I hate coming home with the lingering smell of your cologne still on me knowing that I might not be on your mind as you are on mine

Thinking that you shouldn't be the only one in my life but knowing that you're the only one I truly care for keeps me tangled in this web

I love being in your arms, your kisses on my lips, neck, all the way down to my stomach

I love when you let out a breath near my ear as I get tingles all over my body

Laying there looking into each others eyes knowing that my eyes are seeing a potential love, as yours are lost in their thoughts

You touch my lips with your fingers as you lean in for the most passionate kiss I have ever experienced, thinking to myself this has to be something more, just has to be

How do I know you dont share these passionate moments with someone else?

Do you hold them like you do me, till every inch of our bodies are touching?

Do you kiss them like you do me, pressing our lips together as if it were the last time?

Do you look at them like you do me, your eyes expressing their happiness that I'm by your side?

Trying to be headstrong in this moment thinking to myself that there should be no expectations; that is the number one battle in my life with you

Should I expect you to care for me as much as I do you? Is that asking too much? and if it is, then what is too much?

Meeting your friends and you introduce me as your "friend"...kills me every time...is that what I am to you?

I didn't know friends acted the way we do...what we are is not "friends"

But what we are is something that I may never know until you come to a realization that what you have in front of you could very well be one of the best things you've ever had...

Don't let me go..

20 things

20 THINGS A GIRL SHOULD KNOW...

1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
2. Stop making excuses for a man's behavior.
3. If you have ANY doubt in your mind about a man's character, leave him alone.
4. Allow your intuition to save you from heartache.
5. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
6. Don't force an attraction.
7. Slower is better.
8. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
9. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve, then hell no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
10. Have faith regarding your relationship, but don't let faith make you stupid.
11. Don't settle.
12. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
13. If he keeps changing his mind about the relationship-take that as a BIG sign that he is unstable. Do you really want to be with a man like that?
14. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
15. Honorable men take care of their business and aren't involved in a whole lot of mess.
16. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
17. There's only one reason a man dumps you; he doesn't want you.
18. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
19. You really do have to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince.
20. Always put yourself and your happiness first.

get it right

hmm rejection?

ello govna's

k so I've been talking to my bestie Travis about this topic lately..."rejection"

we were in a simple conversation when we started talking about rejection and we both blurted how we could not take rejection, so we tend to stay away from it...bad, I know

so let me give you a scenario: say I'm talking to a guy and he's not feeling me, instead of taking the upper hand and talking to him to get the story straight and get rejected, I just leave it alone and not even talk about it and just forget about the guy...which is not exactly a way to take things head on

I've been thinking about why I do this, and it's just a simple explanation...I just can't mentally deal with being rejected...as do a lot of people...but instead of conquering it and getting over it, I just continue to have that mentality, so when it comes to future guys that I date and if it goes in that direction, I just peace out rather than confronting them...

*sighhhh*


I always think to myself if that aspect about me will ever change, but then I think about how change is inevitable...hmmm