So it's been 2 months

since I've written my last blog...

wow so much yet so little has happened in my life...my last blog said I was going to stop that relationship, or lack thereof a relationship, that I had going on, but uhh that didn't happen

I actually did something I wish I had not and he lost my respect by doing something I wish he hadn't, yet I'm still attached

funny thing is I know he realizes what he's doing to me and I know he cares for me enough to know it hurts me, yet he won't stop...note to self * I really need to stop suppressing this self-control that I have inside of me*

so 5 months? yeah, 5 months...not too long, yet long enough...things are great with him, everything is going great....yet, we still have those same issues

let me answer these questions for you that my friends CONSTANTLY ask me...
"WHY?!?"
"DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO YOURSELF?!"
"YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT!!"
"HE'S NOT WORTH IT!"
etc, etc, etc.

you guys act as if I don't know...but oh I know...
as my cousin likes to put it 'she knows what she's doing, let her make her own "mistakes" '
sadly, that's true....want to know the reason why? and I have FINALLY admitted this to myself..

I am head over heels for this guy...as much as I do not want to admit it, but it's definitely true.
until I get over what we have, which will take God knows how long...another month...6 months...a year?, I can't just let him go, I just can't, he's too significant in my life right now to let him go...

so he tells me he's keeping his options open...okay...so I should too right??
he makes me his option, while I make him my priority...okay Kimia, let's change that...

now believe me, not to sound cocky, but I can get guys...I have guys trying to get at me...but why do I brush them off...CAUSE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE ON MY MIND....

do you understand how hard it is to go on a date with another guy while all I'm thinking is about what you're doing...ya shitty times

and HONESTLY if you didn't want a girlfriend, then don't treat me like one

so here's my conclusion (God help us all)-3 things can happen out of this situation

1) You can do what I've wanted you to do the past 5 months and finally show that you truly care about me

2) Do something horrible to me (like you have done before) and hurt me once again to the point where I'll be heart broken and will have to FORCE myself to get over you, or I'll just move

3) Stay with you until I get fully sick of how you're making me an option and peace out (HA I wish)

most of my friends tell me to keep hope..."he's stuck around this long, don't you think he wants something more?"
want to know my answer???........maybe...maybe not


that is so harsh to say...okay I need to say something to defend him...
HE cares about me...I know he does...I know he truly does
HE knows I am not his friends with benefits, his fuck buddy, his booty call..none of that
HE is honest with me 110% of the time (as much as my friends don't believe it, I do)
HE is there for me, all the time, no questions, no nothing...he's there for me more than some of my girls
and to finish this off...HE is amazing to me, despite everything else that is going on

now do you see why I've fallen for him...and honestly all these reasons should give me hope, but I've realized that whenever I have hope for something, it never comes true...
so why have hope now??





sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I moved to Los Angeles...

I guess I'm done

I guess that's it, yeah?

It was a good two months...no, actually it was a great two months...but how I regret everything

I never regret things in life, no matter what it is I always think there's a reason it happened and I will live and grow from it, but this? naww definitely wasn't something I can learn from

The only thing I can learn from this situation is to not let my guard down for a guy and to realize when a guy says he doesn't want anything serious, you need to realize you will get hurt if you stay with him so leave now..

This is the reason why I think it's a bad decision for me to ever fall in love with a guy...I'm already hurt but this guy who I wasn't even with who played with my emotions and heart, yet if I truly fall in love with someone and something happens, I'll be devastated...

I want to be in love, I really do, but if I do let my guard down will I be toyed with like I was before?

Shame (noun)-"a fact or circumstance bringing disgrace or regret"

shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight

shame on me for thinking I was different

shame on me for looking deep into your eyes

shame on me for wanting something more than what you had to offer

shame on me for thinking you were the one

shame on me for ignoring the obvious signs that this wasn't right

shame on me for thinking you were different than the rest

shame on me for giving you two months of my heart

shame on me for letting you be the wave that took me under

shame on me for allowing you to get the best of me

shame on me for allowing you to make me feel less about myself

shame on me

shame on me

shame on me

shame on YOU for letting me go and not seeing what a GREAT catch you had

An Original from the Heart

I hate coming home with the lingering smell of your cologne still on me knowing that I might not be on your mind as you are on mine

Thinking that you shouldn't be the only one in my life but knowing that you're the only one I truly care for keeps me tangled in this web

I love being in your arms, your kisses on my lips, neck, all the way down to my stomach

I love when you let out a breath near my ear as I get tingles all over my body

Laying there looking into each others eyes knowing that my eyes are seeing a potential love, as yours are lost in their thoughts

You touch my lips with your fingers as you lean in for the most passionate kiss I have ever experienced, thinking to myself this has to be something more, just has to be

How do I know you dont share these passionate moments with someone else?

Do you hold them like you do me, till every inch of our bodies are touching?

Do you kiss them like you do me, pressing our lips together as if it were the last time?

Do you look at them like you do me, your eyes expressing their happiness that I'm by your side?

Trying to be headstrong in this moment thinking to myself that there should be no expectations; that is the number one battle in my life with you

Should I expect you to care for me as much as I do you? Is that asking too much? and if it is, then what is too much?

Meeting your friends and you introduce me as your "friend"...kills me every time...is that what I am to you?

I didn't know friends acted the way we do...what we are is not "friends"

But what we are is something that I may never know until you come to a realization that what you have in front of you could very well be one of the best things you've ever had...

Don't let me go..

20 things

20 THINGS A GIRL SHOULD KNOW...

1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
2. Stop making excuses for a man's behavior.
3. If you have ANY doubt in your mind about a man's character, leave him alone.
4. Allow your intuition to save you from heartache.
5. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
6. Don't force an attraction.
7. Slower is better.
8. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
9. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve, then hell no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
10. Have faith regarding your relationship, but don't let faith make you stupid.
11. Don't settle.
12. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
13. If he keeps changing his mind about the relationship-take that as a BIG sign that he is unstable. Do you really want to be with a man like that?
14. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
15. Honorable men take care of their business and aren't involved in a whole lot of mess.
16. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
17. There's only one reason a man dumps you; he doesn't want you.
18. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
19. You really do have to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince.
20. Always put yourself and your happiness first.

get it right

hmm rejection?

ello govna's

k so I've been talking to my bestie Travis about this topic lately..."rejection"

we were in a simple conversation when we started talking about rejection and we both blurted how we could not take rejection, so we tend to stay away from it...bad, I know

so let me give you a scenario: say I'm talking to a guy and he's not feeling me, instead of taking the upper hand and talking to him to get the story straight and get rejected, I just leave it alone and not even talk about it and just forget about the guy...which is not exactly a way to take things head on

I've been thinking about why I do this, and it's just a simple explanation...I just can't mentally deal with being rejected...as do a lot of people...but instead of conquering it and getting over it, I just continue to have that mentality, so when it comes to future guys that I date and if it goes in that direction, I just peace out rather than confronting them...

*sighhhh*


I always think to myself if that aspect about me will ever change, but then I think about how change is inevitable...hmmm

I hate trying...

wow guys...it's been awhile since I've posted one of these silly things =( I'm sorry

So I'm the type of girl who has learned not to go after guys...what I mean is I don't chase them down...I show them interest, if they are interested then they will return it you know...
but there's always those special guys who test you...make you try EVEN harder!!

I am not good at trying even harder to tell you the truth because I haven't been used to it...I'm not saying guys just crawl to me...but I do my fair share and they return it...

so now I'm in a situation where I have to try EXTRA hard and I'm not oblivious, so when I'm not being oblivious (we know how it's hard for guys to REALIZE a female is interested in them) then I can get put in the friend zone and umm NO...i don't do that

hmmm interesting right...
meh is the answer to that

The Bible

I found this from one of my friend's blogs....the bold sentences are the ones that mean most to me
please take the time to read it, it helps<3


The ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check your cellphone the next morning and be disappointed. The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened. Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going. The ones who listened to him say, “I only want to be your friend”, one day, then listened to him say that he loves and misses you, and the next when he doesn’t want to be anything at all. Here’s to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change.

We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, got crap from our parents, and even snuck around to see him even for a while. We went through the great stage with no fights all over again. We started this out thinking it would be just friends, and ended up falling in love with him again. We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming. This is for us.

Here’s to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days. Here’s for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn’t possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early. We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us. We learned to SETTLE for someone who didn’t treat us the way we should be treated.

Here’s for the ones who did their hair and make up and put on their prettiest everything, only to hear him say that he couldn’t see us today. The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. We just couldn’t believe that he could do this to us again.

This is for those great girls, who loved him more than words can say, and took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn’t bear to look back on their lives one day and wonder “what if”.

This is for us girls, who somehow managed to get him to forget about her, and get him to tell us that he was in love with us again, only to have him tell us three weeks later that “You’re just not the one for me.” or maybe, “things were going too fast, I’m just not ready.”

Here’s to the girls who couldn’t cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt. The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again. This is for the ones who couldn’t bear to even tell their mom what was going on, for fear of an “I told you so.” The ones that could just TELL that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts, their beds, and their dreams again.

Here’s for the ones that FINALLY realized that he never gave one thought about them.
Here’s for the time that he took to waste, breaking your heart … again.

This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, and the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment.
Here’s for us girls who finally realized that we deserve better.
This is for those confusing days, when you miss him,and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist.

Stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass,sometimes it’s better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt all over again.
Remember the times you cried, and how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that.
When your song comes on the radio, turn the station.
When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off.
When he tries coming to your house, don’t answer the door.

Think of all the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the HELL he was.
Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn’t him, and realized that once again, he hadn’t called when he said he was going to.

One day, you’ll find a guy who’s worth all the tears, but he won’t make you cry. You may think that you’ll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will.
It’s gonna hurt like hell, and it’s going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal.




and that, ladies and gentlemen, is my bible

My Sisters Keeper

this is going to be a quick blog

wow I am completely emotionally drained from this damn movie...
it was amazing, but wow I couldn't stop crying from the start to the end =/

I think the main reason why I was crying so much was the fact that my Grandma has cancer as well so it really hit home
when you have a family member going through cancer, it's a hard ordeal for anyone, really hard

I was having a conversation with my mom today and the topic of suicide came up and she asked me if I were to ever do that, and I was like wow I'm too scared of death to even think about killing myself
after watching this movie it just made me realize I need to live my life to the fullest without any regrets...and if I regret something, I'll learn from it


It's a hard concept to understand and to do, "live life to the fullest", but something everyone should strive for

Why should I fall in love?

so I asked myself, why should I fall in love when I was recently hurt by someone I truly loved....what's the point of it?
I asked that in a bulletin on myspace and got a GREAT response from one of my friends, and this is what he wrote: (I urge you guys to read this)

"Sweetie, being in love builds character. It tests our ability to commit to a purpose greater than ourselves. Being in love challenges our selflessness. Being in love helps define the meaning of life.

Oh Kimia,

Being in love, proves that all those things that you thought were important in your life, are mere post scripts to your total existence. You realize that it isn't what you receive in love, but what you give that matters.

If love cannot be unconditional, it CAN'T BE LOVE.


Good looks, sex, body candy etc...can NEVER stand the test of time. Love endures..it IS the very foundation of life.

Don't look for love, LOOK TO LOVE."


I loved what he told me and has helped me be a little more open to love


xoxo
Kimia

Did You Forget?

did you forget..that I was even alive, did you forget...everything we ever had
did you forget
did you forget
about me?

did you regret...ever standing by my side, did you forget..what we were feeling inside...now I'm left, to forget, about us
but somewhere we went wrong..we were once so strong; our love is like a song, you can't forget it

so now I guess..this is where we have to stand, did you regret..ever holding my hand? never again, please don't forget...don't forget

we had it all..we were just about to fall even more in love than we were before...I won't forget, I won't forget, about us


and at last...all the pictures have been burned, and all the past..is just a lesson that we've learned..
I won't forget, I won't forget...about us



but somewhere we went wrong...our love is like a song...but you won't sing along
you've forgotten...
about us




*sighhhh* =/

what happens when (2)

you're in a situation where you have to let go of all your problems and help the person that means most to you...but here's the twist...you need help as well

let me just say from experience...that is the HARDEST situation to go through...which is what I'm going through right now...
one of the people that I truly care for and love is going through a real rough time...as am I with my own personal shit...and I am the type of person where I will drop anything to help my friends in need
but when you realize that your mental stability is not stable (lol) you can't help that person because your issues are making it hard.

so when you let that person know that you can't, and they get EXTREMELY upset with you...what do you do? yeah, you can apologize...but apologize for saying "i cant help you right now because i am going through a lot as well and i cant focus on your problems right now.."???

so am i being selfish...so then should i become selfless? what do you do in this situation...

what happens when

you're good friends with people then you do something that you have to do for your family and yourself but it hurts and affects your friends....
now that's a good way to be discrete lol

after all is said and done..you are left with yourself..doesn't make sense right? ya I don't get it either...maybe its the saying where they just didn't appreciate your friendship enough to get over it....wait that's not a saying..I just made it up LOL

no I think that's a little harsh...or is it? When I watch movies like sisterhood of the traveling pants or sex and the city even I realize I don't have those friendships with the girls that I grew up with...I thought I did...but some people just change and that's life...
the one thing I truly hate though is fake friends and I feel like I am surrounded by millions of them...I cannot take people who act like they are cool to you, then the complete opposite when they are with someone else
I guess that is just immaturity at its finest

that is why I am glad I am moving to LA....wait LA is immature people galore....fml...well atleast I'm moving in with someone who I trust with my life and is the truest person I know

what am I supposed to do about these friends who I grew up with and still love to death...do I just not talk to them and occasionally do the awkward "hellos" and "how are yous"...

meh is the answer


xoxo

lost?

Everyone goes through that time where they don't feel like themselves and even though they know who they are as a person, something happens in their lives where they seem to lose their sense of self.
yes, unfortunately that has occurred...funny thing is I recently went through that and got over it, and now its back? grrreat..
well atleast this time I know what it is from and I'm not confused.

I'm at such an interesting time in my life where I am learning more and more about myself, but when you're in a rut and can't seem to do anything, it is very difficult.

It's hard to have to deal with people constantly asking you "are you okay?" "whats wrong" "you don't seem like yourself"...well that's cause I'm not myself

ever wanted to just go hide under a rock and not deal with ANYONE or ANYTHING? yaaa...i'll see you in a month or so..



"they say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting..."

Expectations

so I am taking an english class at my college and I had to write an essay about family expectations and it made me think about a lot of things...

do you think it's okay to expect your child to do the things you told them to do? what if they had other things they wanted to do, do you still expect them to drop everything they want to do for example, their goals, to do what you wanted them to do?
there's advising and guiding a child, and expecting a child to do something. when you advise a child, you are giving them advice and guiding them though the tough times, but expecting them to do something is telling them, here is what you should do, do it!...honestly how do you expect a child to become an individual and to follow their dreams when you expect them to do what you want to do...

im not speaking from experience because my parents never did that (thank god) but i know people who do go through it and its not fair.

children need their space, they need their time to grow as individuals and if you don't give them that space, they will never find out who they are....


sighh anyways i just had to get that out, i know one of my friends is going through that so i wanted to just let my feelings out

why do they do that?

can someone please explain to me why ex's feel it's okay to get back with you after THEY break it off with you....does that make sense? absolutely not

you break it off, then you text me months after you break it off trying to get back with me....are you kidding? I'm sorry you couldn't find another girl but I'm definitely not about to come back to you; sorry, this ship has sailed.

I'm not the type of girl to dwell on past relationships and you shouldn't either, go out and do your thing because that is for sure what I'm doing.

and for all you guys who do that....STOP. Get over it, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO BROKE IT OFF....stick to your decision and leave her aloneeeeeee (chris crocker style)

for my first blog I think I got the job done.
Thank you, have a great night, god bless

xoxo